Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
