I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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