so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
