whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
