im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
