I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
