White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
