ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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