I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
