K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
