Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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