I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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