I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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