I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
