if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what day is it and did you see me today?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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