sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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