11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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