why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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