dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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