I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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