her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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