Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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