as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
