Only a mothe r could love this liver
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
