and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
