whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
