Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
