hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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