Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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