He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
