I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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