It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.