i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms