Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
