I cannot find my penis.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
