My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
