I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
