Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
