My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.