We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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