i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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