Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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