you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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