when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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