watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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