I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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