I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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