My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
