So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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