he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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