Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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