I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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