evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
