no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
