then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
