it wasn't lemon gatorade
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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